Alien Hominid Invasion

January 21, 2021

CONFIDENTIAL
FROM THE DESK OF AGENT A

ALIENS ARE SLIPPERY: NOTES ON HOMINID MOVEMENT

Everyone here at the Agency has been keeping eyes on one Alien Hominid since 2002. Nearly 20 years later, they seem to be multiplying at a rapid pace… only these ones are much more mobile, and much more threatening for our Agents.

Here’s a report of all the moves we’ve spotted being used on our less fortunate field Agents.

Diving – These guys are like tiny acrobats, apparently; they can flip and dive in midair and send themselves on a long jump that would put Olympic medalists to shame.

Digging – The Aliens can dig into the ground almost instantly from the air, with their tiny razor claws or vicious teeth or — you know, I don’t even know how. But you can’t take out something that’s underground, and when they pop back up they send our Agents flying everywhere.

Dodging – These little things are slippery. They can roll every which way and always manage to tumble right out of harm’s way when they do.

Double Jumping – We always knew these Aliens could jump, but now they can do it twice. In a row. Certain mutated Aliens can even do it three times! This is… definitely a new development.

Tossing – I don’t know what they eat, but they sure are beefy. The Aliens can throw our Agents over their shoulders and out of the way like it’s nobody’s business, or throw them straight up into the air like a cowboy shooting a can. Whatever type of mayhem they decide on, I guess.

Down-Shooting – Some of the Hominids are using their weapons as more than just projectiles, and are flying higher and farther by blasting down at the ground and taking off with the recoil. If they charge their weapon before doing this, they’ll get even more lift.

Grenade Jumping – Whatever the Aliens make their weapons out of doesn’t seem to hurt them; in fact, they can use their contained explosions to get a jump on us — literally.

Head Riding – These Aliens don’t seem to have any qualms with jumping on our Agents and using them for transportation. They also seem to have developed a method of firing from someone’s shoulders, and can even stack up to 4 Aliens high! We can try to knock ‘em off, and our Agents have recently received special training that should help them do so, but it can be more than a little overwhelming to have a Hominid as a hat.

If an Alien lands on your head, don’t panic, and remember to FLING.

Flap your arms
Launch the Hominid
Ignore their attempts to control you
Never give up
Get help if you need it

Or also, y’know. Just fling that Alien off of you. Like, actually fling it. You can only do that if you are equipped wearing armor, though!

We hope this rundown will help our Agents better understand what they’ll be coming face to face with when it comes to these Alien Hominids. We’re keeping files and records on as much as we can, and we’re determined to get to the bottom of this, even if it means we have to keep blowing stuff up.